Grief

Yesterday, we buried our friend Junior.
I have been dreading a situation like this one ever since we entered into the lifestyle we have. Being this close to the suffering in this neighborhood makes one suffer a lot more. And now, our community is suffering a great loss. He was taken from us too early and too unexpectedly. My sweet memories of him have had me both crying and laughing the past few days. Junior was quite the character. We had a unique relationship with Junior that we don't have with our other homeless friends.

We were lucky to have seen him shortly before his death and remind him that we loved him. We will sorely miss you Junior, your loud ass voice and demanding demeanor. Your sweet smile and balding head. Your classic quotes: "bozo the clown, king of the morons!" "west by god Virgina". Your protection of us, your kids. Your protection of our front porch. Your singing. Your inappropriate remarks. Cleaning the wounds on your feet. You in Jonathan's bathrobe, six sizes too small. You talking to yourself in the garden. You running down the median with Kelly and I trying to see a fire down the street. Your crazy ass stories.

We are sorry for the times we had to turn you away. The times we were too busy or exhausted to take care of you. The times I avoided sitting next to you at church because I wanted to hear the message. All precious moments with you that were missed and I regret them. How I wouldn't love to have one more day with you. One more time to tell you how much we love you and how special you truly are.

We will visit you often in the garden at St Johns, and more importantly... we will keep telling your stories, as often as we can.

I had the honor of being able to read at Juniors funeral yesterday, to a church packed full of people that Junior has impacted over the years. I read "On Death" from the book The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran. The end of that reading is beautiful and peaceful and is helping me cope.

It reads;
"For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?
And what is it to cease breathing but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance."

You are free Junior. Free from the cold, the pain, the suffering. Free from illness, from hunger, from rejection, from hurt. You have a home, a new body, perfect health, warmth, and love from a source that we are all so far from. You are singing and dancing with your creator. And you are probably sitting in a big chair, watching us, laughing, calling us bozo's.


I am grieving. We as a community are grieving, and I have always liked what Anne Lamott has to say about grief...

"All those years I fell for the great palace lie that grief should be gotten over as quickly as possible and as privately. But what I've discovered since is that the lifelong fear of grief keeps us in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving and heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone, without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it."

"I'm pretty sure that it is only by experiencing that ocean of sadness in a naked and immediate way that we come to be healed- which is to say, that we come to experience life with a real sense of presence and spaciousness and peace."